I was judge, juror, jailer and prisoner.
My annoying boss, lying ex, domineering friends, mouthy 9-year old and unreliable “baby daddy” (I hate that term).
All innocent.
Because I was doing it to myself.
Have you ever had a moment when you realized you were the one driving yourself crazy?
Mine came during my first session with a Hakomi therapist. I didn’t know what to expect. Between the lull of his quiet brown eyes and the gentle water fountain, I melted. Tears and complaints I didn’t even know I was carrying came tumbling out.
He listened. For 45 minutes. To me.
I wasn’t used to that. After the downpour subsided I felt naked and covered myself with platitudes: “I know everything happens for a reason. And it will all work out…it always does. This is all helping me get clear about what I really want….”
He interrupted. “Want to try an experiment? Why don’t you just close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.”
That’s it? I shrugged and closed my eyes.
One deep breath.
Two deep breaths.
I felt weightless. Like I was floating in a pool of shimmering love.
Three…
And as quickly as it came, it was gone.
I started choking. Drowning. Dreading what would greet me at home. The assault of stale garbage bags by the door. Piles of unsorted laundry in the living room. The inevitable bedtime tantrum. An email from my boss about the timesheet I forgot to submit.
“What just happened?” he asked.
It hit me: I couldn’t let myself relax. I’d been complaining about how all I wanted was some peace of mind and the second I felt the shocking flow of some inner peace
I was actually scared to feel good. Two seconds of bliss were more than I could handle. I was afraid that if I truly let myself savor the calm, I would be devastated beyond repair when it would inevitably melt away
Feeling good for two seconds felt bad. Like I was playing hooky from work and would get caught if I relaxed too much. I felt lazy. Self-indulgent. Selfish. What kind of mother was I to relax when there was a hungry belly to feed, homework to finish and clothes to be folded?
Besides…what had I done to deserve relaxation? I still hadn’t locked down a daily 10-minute meditation practice. My book was an unfinished mess of ideas on my hard drive. And how many days has it been since I went for a jog? Yup. Two seconds of bliss is about all I’d earned
Sounds crazy, right?
But I bet you can relate.
Have you ever had similar conversations with yourself?
It reminds me of what Gay Hendricks talks about in The Big Leap – he calls it your “upper limit problem” . The gist of his book is that the defenses we created to survive our childhoods put limits on the amount of joy, peace and love we can let into our lives. So even though we have access to an inexhaustible flow of well-being and goodness, we walk around most of the time feeling depleted and lacking.
It’s like fire hydrants that have been jimmied to cool kids off on a steamy summer day in New York. The water is wild and strong. At first it feels refreshing. After a while, it becomes overwhelming, wasteful and even dangerous. (What if there’s a fire and all your water’s gone?)
So it feels safer to tighten the wrench and ease up the current. Package up bite-size pieces of joy and peace that won’t knock you down with the strength of their flow.
When I realized I was only 2 breaths away from the peace of mind I wanted (and that I was also the only one who could unplug myself from it), I closed my eyes again.
And took some more deep breaths.
Within seconds I was floating in a gentle void. This time I let myself linger there a bit longer. It happened automatically. I didn’t have to do anything to make myself relax. Just from noticing where I stopped myself before was enough to help me expand my threshold for goodness.
Now I notice the moments when I’m enjoying life but then suddenly turn on my worry switch. Or blame switch. Or complaint switch. Whenever I start to pace back and forth in the tiny cell of my heavy thoughts,I remember: my freedom is only 2 breaths away.
What about you? How do you set yourself free?
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